Hello 'creters, I belong to a professional bookseller's email group-
[ they behave as badly on politics as other groups, often descend into
screaming and name calling, & worse, believe me]
Anyway, they always post fun ideas, some are related to books, some
not.. this one straddles the line. I thought this might be silly to
try.
Just for fun-- is it horribly rainy and windy here today on the Pac
North Coast... so I was wondering if there was a way to use papercrete
to make a NEW kind of paper! ( for writing on) three-cycle-crete (
paper-papercrete-paper again) " treecretequadcycle" :
tree-paper-paercrete-paper again)
ENJOY-- Charmaine
We are pleased to offer, in light of the wild success of The Book Gruel
Kit, our unique, unusual, and untried Dead "C" Scroll Kit. This kit
will
enable you to create scrolls just like the ones found by archeologists
from 32 CE or earlier or later. The kit includes:five papyrus seeds, a
six-pack of dehydrated water, a chicken quill, two bamboo posts, and one
bottle of dehydrated wine, excuse us, ink.
Instructions:
1. Plant papyrus seeds.
2. Add water to dehydrated water cans
3. Water seeds liberally
4. Harvest papyrus. No we don't know how long it takes to grow papyrus.
Do
your own research.
5. Lay one set of leaves on sidewalk.
6. Lay second set of leaves on sidewalk perpendicular to and on top of
first set of leaves. You don't know what perpendicular means? Do your
own
research.
7. Pound crap out of leaves with sledgehammer. No, we don't provide the
sledgehammer. Sledgehammers are heavy, add to the cost of shipping, and
we
can't mail them in a priority box. Did we say we were made of money?
8. Call construction workers to replace portions of sidewalk. Did we say
this would be cheap, fast, or easy?
9. Let dry and remember, this flat-stuff may be fragile. Why do you
think
that we can't find pieces of scrolls bigger than a postage stamp?
10. Add ink to dehydrated ink bottle.
11. Take chicken quill and scrawl your choice of Hebrew in three
varieties,
Greek, Aramaic, or ig-Pay atin-Lay. No, we are not going to provide
calligraphy or language lessons.
12. Wrap scroll around bamboo poles. Try not to cry, if the scroll
crumbles. Remember, it's very authentic. Especially. In. Pieces.
13. We don't know which way you should write this scroll -- on the
short or
on the long. Do your own research.
14. Bamboo may be supplied instead of papyrus, if you specify. A single
cutting will no bigger than your thumb will suffice for all the bamboo
you
hope to see your entire life. However, we cannot guarantee suitability
for
creating scrolls. We also have
no means for eradicating bamboo. See our Grow-Your-Own-Jungle Kit
offered
by a sister company.
This kit is not to be confused with our two other similar kits.
Version A: Book of the Dead Scroll Kit. You thought Book of the Dead was
actually a black leather-bound book with a burnished brass clasp and
cheap
gold lettering to the front cover? You, we must inform you, have been
gulled by too many movies. "It must be true, I saw in a movie." Another
sister company leases swamp land and bridges for those who wish the
black
leather-bound version. Drawing lessons are not provided. Since the
Egyptians did a pretty good job with what they had, but no understanding
of perspective or human musculature, lack of drawing lessons should be
no
hindrance.
Version B: Jack Kerouac Scroll Kit.
This kit comes complete with a roll of scotch-tape and roll of
perforated
paper towels. You must supply your own cheap manual typewriter which
probably ain't cheap no more. Typing lessons are not
provided and are not, not, not necessary.
We are quite excited, actually, about this Version C: the Dead "C"
Scroll
Kit, as our number guy is screaming and tearing out his hair that if we
don't sell 50,000 of them - equivalent to the number of gallon
dehydrated
wine, excuse us, ink bottles we have in storage - we will . . . hold on,
let me check with the guy as to what happens. Buy, buy, buy our kits
now,
now, now. Offer limited, hence the "dead" in the version, to first
50.000
who send money. This wonderful scroll opportunity will never be
repeated and
we will smash all the remaining bottles of dehydrated ink when this
offer
closes.
If you've ever longed to be an author and absolutely unintelligible,
this
kit is for you. Even you won't know what you've written when you've
finished writing it.
This is the perfect holiday gift for those who are hard to please. They
will be speechless and underwhelmed and would no doubt greatly prefer
the
time honored practice of sending a card. We are pleased to offer this
card:
"A Donation has been given in your name to the Society of the
Prevention of
Bad Scroll
Making" for the same low price as the Dead "C" Scroll Kit. Send money
and we
will send a card. We guarantee it.
No papyrus leaves were harmed in the making of this notice. It's
impossible to harm bamboo. Trust us.
+++++++++++++++++++
Charmaine Taylor Publishing
STOREWIDE SALE on Books & Videos
www.dirtcheapbuilder.com
Tel: 1-707-441-1632 PST Eureka, Calif.
